I watched Twilight.

I feel dirty just saying it.

Yes, the brooding faces of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson gracing the cover of every magazine in sight finally got to me. I’ll admit, I was in two minds about giving away my precious Twilight virginity. I was just so curious. What’s it like? Will it be painful? Is the first movie The One, or should I wait until its sexy brother New Moon comes to town tomorrow? I wanted so desperately not to be a follower, to just revel in the fact that I haven’t popped that disc into my DVD player. After all, I don’t mind being different. Just a couple of hours ago, I was able to say with pride, “No, I haven’t seen Twilight, and I’m alright with that.” Damn my curiosity, I say. Damn it to hell!

Since I was going to do it anyway, I thought I’d share my first time with you all. Yes, my first time is ending up on the Internet. It’s every girl’s nightmare. It feels a little dirty, but here goes nothing.

0:00 – I really don’t know if I want to do this. My life is fine as it is. There’s no going back after this. You know what? I don’t want to do it. No, wait, yes I do. I paid the Blockbuster guys, so I might as well. I lasted this long, didn’t I? That’s a pretty good effort. Okay. Here I go.

0:00 – I’m definitely going to do it now. Whew. Alright. Press play, Lo, you know you want to. Come on.

0:01 — Oh boy, it’s starting! This is going to be bad, I can tell already.

1:20 – Kristen Stewart (aka that manly chick from Panic Room) is from Arizona. She likes cactuses. And she doesn’t look so manly anymore.

2:21 – Forks, Washington, actually looks like a nice place to live. My kind of town.

3:00 — How did Kristen manage to bring that cactus onto a plane? Airports in Arizona will check your shoes for weapons but not your hand to see whether or not you’re carrying a sharp plant?

4:30 — Jacob the werewolf guy has longer hair than he does in all the magazines. It ain’t a good look.

6:00-8:20 – Who the hell is this popular when they first move to a new school? The only time that happens is in primary school, and that’s because pre-pubescent children are too stupid to care that you’re different and weird.

9:31 — Kristen’s creepy Single White Female-esque friend says Robert Pattinson doesn’t date high school girls. *Cough*closet gay*cough*.

10:06 — Robert is really not attractive at all. I’m sorry, ladies, but I don’t see it. He looks like someone repeatedly punched John Mayer’s face in.

15:12 — If Cop Dad had watched even one episode of Buffy, he’d realise that wild animals don’t suck human blood from the neck. Seriously. It’s that easy to be a police officer in Forks.

15:12 and a half — By the way, Forks is a retarded name for a town.

16:40 — Kristen and Robert have absolutely no chemistry. I don’t know how this could be, considering they’re dating in real life.

20:25 — Moving vans driven by token black guys are no match for sheer vampiric strength.

25:40 – White Guy Friend is seriously asking Kristen to the prom? Seriously? How long has he known her?

26:40 — I bet Robert spend half the night Googling ‘reasons why one could possibly have super-strength besides being a vampire’ before he got to the adrenalin rush theory.

27:05 — Guess what, Single White Female Friend? White Guy Friend did ask Bella to the prom, but she turned him down! Somehow I get the feeling that this would only make him more appealing to Single White Female Friend.

28:27 — Robert to Kristen: “Bella, we really shouldn’t be friends.” You know what, Robert? I wholeheartedly agree. You guys seem to really hate each other, no matter how hard you try to convince me with your top-notch ‘longing look’ acting.

29:50 – Seriously? You’re going to give me another pointless Kristen/Robert scene? I hate these two people together more than I can say. Asian Guy Friend looks kinda pissed…don’t tell me he likes her, too. By the way, at no point does Kristen even pretend to like her new friends, so they might wanna think about not inviting her places anymore.

33:00 — Ugh, the warewolf dude is trying to warn Kristen away from the vampires. Gee, pot, you’re looking really black tonight. Must be the light, or the fact that the kettle’s not the only other-worldly killing machine in town.

34:34 – Random vampire about to kill someone: “Let’s not play with our food.” Congratulations, scriptwriters. Way to steal that pun from every single vampire movie/TV show that ever came before this one. Clap clap to you.

36:47 — Kristen, when weird creepy shit keeps happening to you, don’t wander off by yourself. Honestly. That can only end badly for you.

37:30 — Okay, so this is a movie about vampires, yeah? So Stephanie Meyer sits down and says, ‘Hey, Kristen needs to be in danger so Robert can save her and she can swoon over him, right? So what should attack her? Werewolf? Poltergeist? A creepy gremlin of some kind? Hmm, no, let’s just go with a couple of gang-rapists.’ Way to milk that fantasy genre for all it’s worth, genius.

38:35 – Apparently Edward can read rapists’ minds. I doubt that skill would come in handy too often.

39:13 — So Kristen ditches her friends to hang out with a boy without even calling them, and they don’t care? I mean, I know she nearly got gang-raped. Robert knows it, too. But her friends don’t know that. And they’re cool with being dumped? These girls are really sad and pathetic. Just what did they do for shits and giggles before this chick came to town?

39:27 – I’m slightly attracted to Robert Pattinson right now. Maybe it’s just because he cares so much about feeding Kristen, but he’s okay by me for now.

39:40 — Officially over my Robert attraction.

40:36 — Robert gives Kristen some answers: “Yes, no, to get to the other side.” This is actually funny. Robert, don’t make me have to like you again.

41:43 – People in Port Angeles restaurants think of three things: money, sex and cats. No wait, just cat singular. Weird. What’s even weirder is that Robert’s just told Kristen he can read minds, and she acts completely nonchalant about it. Are you sure about that, Kristen? The weird pale guy who’s just admitted to stalking you tells you he’s telepathic, and you’re like, “Neato, what’s for dessert? Oh that’s right, you don’t eat. But I still don’t see anything wrong with this picture.”

45:27 — Who needs that many paper clips at the ready?

46:28 — Oh, so you’ve worked it out now, have you, Kristen? Robert the pale, telepathic, stalking, eye-colour changing, sunlight-hating, wannabe rapist-head-ripper-offerer might, just might, be a vampire? Didn’t the warewolf warn you about that shit like fifteen minutes ago?

48:00 until what seems like the end of time — This whole vampire confession scene is way too long, and the camera angles are making me feel queasy. Is it supposed to be arty or something? Because it’s really not.

50:16 – Robert’s all sparkly! I love sparkly stuff! Wow, Robert, you just keep getting cooler and cooler.

51:00 – Robert’s whole I’m-a-killer speech is actually kinda hot.

51: 06 — “As if you could outrun me! As if you could fight me off!” You know, Robert, for someone who claims to hate rapists, you’re really beginning to sound like one.

52:57 – Kristen decides she’s afraid now. Not when Robert’s ripping trees straight out of the ground or fucking flying, but when he stands perfectly still, brooding a little. Ugh, Kristen. Please.

54:00 — No! Not another forest scene! I’m so sick of this goddam forest! Get the fuck out of there now!

55:58 – Okay, this whole Robert-flaunting-his-new-girlfriend-while-wearing-wayfarers thing is getting me hot again. Damn it, Robert! I don’t know how I’m gonna quit you.

56:10 — Actually, this scene is reminding me of the one in Walk the Line where Johnny and June go to church. Maybe it’s just the wayfarers.

56:50 — Let me see if I can make sense of this. Daddy Vampire is a doctor who ‘turns’ critically ill patients so they can live forever. But only if they’re teenagers. Doesn’t anyone else think that’s a little off? The lesson here, in case you’re wondering, is don’t trust blonde-haired doctors who tell you that they can ‘cure’ your Spanish influenza.

57:30 — So Daddy Vamp’s peculiar little teenage vampire family doesn’t eat humans. Vampires with souls? Again? If we’ve learned anything from Buffy and Angel, it’s that this really only works in theory.

58:06 — Robert: “It wouldn’t be like drinking your blood, for instance.” Not that he wants to scare her or anything.

59:12 – “So you’re worried not because you’ll be in a house full of vampires, but because they think they won’t approve of you?” Thank you, Robert, for finally pointing out how scarily out-of-whack Kristen’s priorities are.

59:40 — I wonder who would win in a fight between a warewolf and a vampire. One would think it’d be a vampire, since Daddy Vamp’s clan live pretty comfortably off hunting wild animals…unless these Indian guys turn into the Teen Wolf sort of warewolves. I’m sure Teen Wolves would be able to hold their own. After all, they’re inexplicably good at basketball, so why not fighting?

59:41 — All this talk of warewolves has put ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvuh’ in my head. (Spooky! Scary!) Thank you very much, 30 Rock.

1:00:58 – Why would seven vampires live in a four-storey house with absolutely no curtains? Surely people would see them sparkling in the sun a mile off.

1:00:59 – And even though I’m not a vampire, I still dig a little privacy every now and then. Curtains are just convenient, y’all. I’d seriously consider investing in some.

1:02:00 — Call me soft-hearted, but I think it’s really cute that the bloodsucking vampires are going to such great lengths to impress Kristen with their culinary skills. And I like how that Emmett guy’s decided to cook Italian because she has an Italian-sounding name. He’s totally my favourite so far. (And he’s only had one line!)

1:02:16 — Even the fact that Mama Vamp is that faceless woman from Grey’s Anatomy can’t distract me from Emmett waving at Bella with a ridiculously large knife in his hand. I wonder if that was deliberate or not. Either way, it’s just made me like him even more.

1:02:31 – That blonde vampiress (aka Evie from Thirteen) may be a bitch, but those shoes she’s wearing are freakin’ sweet.

1:02:50 – Kristen: “I would never tell anybody anything.” Of course not, Kristen. You’ve just found out that a hoarde of vampires is living in your town, going to school with a whole bunch of kids they’d rather eat than socialise with. Why would you tell anyone about that? It’s a much better idea to go ’round to their pad for some Italiano.

1:03:03 – Kristen: “If this ends badly…as in, I become a meal.” How is that a laughing matter? You’re pretty much saying that you’re fine with the possibility that YOUR BOYFRIEND COULD VERY WELL EAT YOU!

1:03:30 — Even the borderline-retarded brunette vampiress wants be Kristen’s friend. Seriously, what is this?!

1:06:20 — Kristen tells Robert she can’t dance, and his response is, “Well, I could always make you.” Here comes the serial rapist vibe again. He’s one step away from pulling out a pistol and shooting at her feet, yelling, “Dance, human, dance!”

1:06:33 — It looks like the art department has actually gone back in time to put these special effects together.

1:08:00 – Why are we suddenly in some sort of music video where Robert’s playing the piano? What’s going on? Where am I? Mummy, I’m scared.

1:12:00 — The lead-up to the first Robert/Kristen kiss lasts 27 seconds. Literally, 27 seconds. Fucking hell, just kiss already! I don’t even like you two as a couple, but I want this to end now!

1:13:11 — No vampire sex for you, Kristen!

1:13:12 — I don’t think it really needs to be said that this scene is pretty much lifted straight from the Buffy/Angel sexy-time-gone-bad story arc, but I’m gonna say it anyway.

1:15:30 — The vampires are actually going to play baseball? Really? Like…really really? That’s kinda nonsensical, but okay.

1:15:45 — Robert: “There’s a thunderstorm coming, it’s the only time we can play.” Right, because otherwise the idea of vampire baseball would be stupid.

1:16:30 — Kristen: “Okay, now I can see why you need the thunder.” I must be a slow learner, because I still don’t.

1:17:50 — This vampire baseball montage has been going on entirely too long. The only saving grace is the film’s brilliant use of Muse’s ‘Supermassive Black Holes’.

1:18:08 — Here come the human-eating vampires. Robert is apparently unhappy with this turn of events. He’s engaging in some serious smell-the-fart acting.

1:18:42 — Holy old-school TV series callback, Batman! The ponytailed human-eating vampire is Volchok from The OC! I miss that show. In fact, I wish I was watching it right now.

1:19:37 — All these close-ups of their eyes are getting boring. The bad vampires have red eyes; the others don’t. We get it. I think I’m seeing a bit of homoerotic lust between Robert and Volchok, though, which is a little unnerving.

1:20:20 — Shazam! Volchok can smell Kristen’s humanness. Does this mean the film will finally get interesting? (I’m gonna hazard a guess and say probably not.)

1:20:35 — That is seriously the lamest-looking vampire standoff ever. Nobody looks threatening. The vegeterian vamps are wearing fucking baseball uniforms, for God’s sakes!

1:20:43 –No, really, they all look so ridiculous that mere words cannot express it. I have to screencap it for you so you can see for yourself.

No amount of Photoshop could ever save this image.

1:21:41 – Along with would-be rapists and cat lovers, Robert can also read the minds of predatory vampires.

1:21:50 — Robert would like to (and I quote) “rip him apart and burn the pieces.” How oddly specific. So much for Robert’s ‘gentle vampire’ reputation.

1:24:12 — Look, Cop Dad, I know your teenage daughter’s being a real bitch to you right now (I hear they can get like that sometimes), but I just have to tell you how fucking stupid I think it is that you’re letting her leave in the middle of the night to drive halfway across the country when you know for a fact that there’s at least one brutal serial killer out there going through all the townspeople like Kleenexes.

1:24:41 — While we’re on the subject of dumb things to do, it seems like a pretty bad idea to switch drivers while you’re speeding away from the town, too. Just because you’re immortal, Robert, doesn’t mean Kristen is.

1:25:09 – Crouching on the roof of a moving vehicle would also fall into the ‘bad ideas’ category, but it’s awesome Emmett, which makes it okay.

1:25:15 — Hee! Kristen’s getting a full-on vampire convoy on her way out of Forks!

1:25:39 — The leader of the human-killing vampires actually comes to warn them about Volchok? Come on, dude! You’re evil! Run with it!

1:26:09 — Emmett: “We’ll tear him apart and burn the pieces.” Holy God, what is with these people and burning vampire limbs? Honestly, this obsession is going to a really strange place now.

1:26:23 — The vamps are still wearing their baseball gear. Just to add to all the lameness.

1:27:21 — God, you guys. You’re frickin’ teenagers, okay? Stop with the whole ‘you’re my everything’ bullshit.

1:30:18 – Volchok’s seriously the only badass vampire in this whole movie. First he devotes all his time to tracking down Kristen, then he kidnaps her mother? This just got…dare I say it…interesting?

1:31:37 – Kristen, are you actually trying to arm yourself against a vampire with pepper spray? Because if you are, I can’t even begin to describe to you how ludicrous that is.

1:32:55 — Whoah, whoah, whoah, hold on a second. Volchok is actually planning to tape himself killing Kristen and then send it to Robert to drive him crazy? That is seriously the most awesome thing I think I’ve ever heard. This guy fucking rules.

1:33:36 — As predicted, the pepper spray does nothing but get homeboy’s eyebrows a little damp.

1:34:01 — Despite just breaking Kristen’s leg with one hand, Volchok seems to be much more interested in making sure Robert avenges her death. Methinks I was right about the homoeroticism. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Doesn’t make Volchok any less awesome, or Robert any less stupid.

1:35:00 – Granted, I’m not a vampire, but isn’t it generally accepted that they suck blood from the neck and not the wrist? Perhaps someone should give this guy an anatomy lesson or two.

1:35:26 — Okay, now Robert and Volchok are just howling at each other. There is no reason why this shot should be going on for as long as it is. I’m starting to get uncomfortable, like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be.

1:35:30 – So let me just get this straight: while Mormon fantasy authors are strictly no-sex-before-marraige kind of people (and are fine with using vampires as vehicles for this kind of propaganda), having dudes bite chunks out of each others’ necks is perfectly legit?

1:36:08 — Did I just hear the words, “Start the fire?”

1:36:11 – Yes, yes I did.

1:36:15 — Holy shit, they’re actually doing it. They’re actually tearing him apart and burning the pieces. It’s not just an empty threat. Wow. Just wow.

1:36:40 — Just realised that the whole vampire dismemberment thing is a callback to when Kristen was researching vampires in her room about 48 minutes in. (See entry about excessive paper clips.) I guess that means these vamps originate from Peru, then. I don’t know when that tidbit of information will ever come in handy, but it just might. Hold on to it and thank me later.

1:36:58 — Emmett is now doing the majority of the Volchok limb-removal. I don’t know who I should be rooting for here. I’m torn. (Excuse the pun.)

1:37:10 — Hey, Daddy Vamp? If you’re so worried that Robert’s not emotionally mature enough to be able to stop sucking Kristen’s arm once all the venom’s out, why don’t you do it? Just putting it out there.

1:38:08 — How in perfect hell has this movie become so popular? And also, when will it end?

1:39:15 — Even after Kristen came home after supposedly breaking up with her creeper of a boyfriend while having a full-on breakdown and talking about how she needs to run away, Cop Dad actually believes Robert’s story that Kristen got her injuries by falling down the stairs? WHY WOULD HE BELIEVE THAT? WHY??

1:39:15 and a half — I mean, come on! She has motherfucking bite marks on her arm! How did Robert explain that one away?!

1:40:58 – Proof that Kristen Stewart needs some serious acting lessons. When Robert tells her she should go to Jacksonville, her reaction is as follows: “What? No – are you ser- no! No! How – I don’t even know what you’re say- how – w- what are you – what are you talking about? You – you want me to go away, I – I – I can’t – no! I can’t – I can’t just leave you – I–” Fragmented sentences are a very powerful acting tool, Kristen, when used sparingly.

1:42:20 – Cop Dad, are you honestly going to let your daughter go to the prom with Robert? All signs point to him being an abusive girlfriend-beater. Fucking Chris Brown looked less guilty.

1:43:42 — The warewolf came all the way to another school’s prom just to tell Kristen that his father wants her to break up with her boyfriend? I do find it strange that a warewolf father is exhibiting better parenting skills over Kristen than her own dad.

1:44:36 — Oh my God, is this movie seriously not over yet? Jesus Christ.

1:45:38 — Hey Robert? Didn’t Kristen tell you before that she couldn’t dance? Keeping in mind that she now has a broken leg, I daresay now’s not a good time to teach her.

1:49:08 – Look at that, Volchok’s human-killing vampire girlfriend went to the prom as well. That’s a strange and ridiculous twist. She apparently is not all too pleased with Robert and his family tearing her boyfriend limb from limb and then throwing him on the fire.

1:49:20

1:49:21 — What a weird place to end the film, though. It could’ve ended at least ten minutes ago. At least.

So there you have it. My very first Twilight experience, in all its glory. And you know what? I kind-of wished I hadn’t seen it. Perhaps if it had been worth it, I might’ve forgiven myself for being so easily-led, but it really wasn’t. There is no good reason why this has become such a phenomenon. And as God as my witness, I promise you I won’t make you sit through any notes on New Moon. You can trust me on that one.